I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.