I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Based Erika
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.