Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Wednesday
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Everything reminds me of my ex
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.