if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.