[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
How to wake up a Beagle
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.