reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You Might Also Like
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
We’ve all been there
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens