[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
You Might Also Like
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day