intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
You Might Also Like
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.