Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Friday
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.