“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside