It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
God has abandoned us.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?