(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
You Might Also Like
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I saw nothing
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My dad is at it again
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*