[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Very good news from my accountant
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.