Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.