god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.