Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
remember
only for emergencies
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*