My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
If snakes were wide
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial