My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Come back with a warrant
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle