My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Did…did a minotaur write this
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Cake safety first. Always.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’