I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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White parent Vs Arab parents
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
the Monday after daylight savings
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.