Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I was bored.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd