When I snag the last meatball.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
That’s incredible! 👌
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”