Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
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accurate
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Never ghost your hitman.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?