Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?