Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
How times have changed.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!