People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan