If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
A choir of Spring onions
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now