Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
You Might Also Like
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
War & Peace
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?