I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My sex drive has a dui
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.