What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.