[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
It鈥檚 ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don鈥檛 all go on anymore either.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
I鈥檓 sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I鈥檝e snogged patio doors.
I鈥檓 like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Our dishwasher doesn鈥檛 know what hit it.
Sometimes I feel like I鈥檓 cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Carpe DM
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: one man鈥檚 trash is another man鈥檚 treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?