please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.