I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
It’s the weekend y’all
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Do not levitate over flowers
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!