How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them