Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
how to market bottled water to dads
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?