A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat