Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three