If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Scream sneezers need love too.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym