Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Ha
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.