*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
is this a warning or an offer?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
This made me smile…
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.