[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
the chicken was already gone when I got here
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
What the hell happened in there??
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Mmmm canned fish.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce