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me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Cat.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*