Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
*limbos away from your hug*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Festive toon…
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?