Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.