You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I feel it
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
What the hell is going on?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International