My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective