Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”