If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty