My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.