Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Pringles
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Is….Is this an option?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
That 👊
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank